


Of Loving Katsuki Yuuri

by kireiflora



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Fluff, M/M, POV Victor Nikiforov, SO MUCH FLUFF, katsudonbang2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 19:26:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10315328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kireiflora/pseuds/kireiflora
Summary: Loving and living with Yuuri wasn’t quite as simple a road as Victor had anticipated, but it would always be worth it. That’s not to say that it was smooth sailing for Yuuri either, but neither of them would rather have it another way. Even if they were on completely different pages now and again, or if they have bad days and snap at each other, at the end of the day they were together and they were happy.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was very much a labor of love, but took a lot of doing to actually get on the page. A large chunk of the last half of this is entirely based in an RP I had with a friend (which she was all for me adapting). 
> 
> I'm not tagging it since it's only alluded to but Victor totally has depression in this.

The fact that Victor was in love with Yuuri was readily apparent to all. That he was willing to ‘deal’ with him struck many as odd, but it wasn’t their choice to make. It was his. And he ‘choose’ it gratefully.

Even now with his arms wrapped around him as he struggles for breath, he does it happily, well as happy as one can be. Does he _enjoy_ seeing his fiance having an anxiety attack? No, but he’s happy to help in any way he can. It’s not a part of him he has to ‘deal’ with it’s a part of him he fully embraces simply for being a part of him.

After all, Yuuri wouldn’t be Yuuri if he wasn’t like this. And he’s in love with  _ this  _ Yuuri, not some other universe anxiety-less Yuuri. Loving Yuuri is loving him and his anxiety, nothing more, nothing less. 

Is it something that gives him trouble? Of course, but it’s worth it for Yuuri.

And that’s all there is too it. 

“I’m sorry.” Yuuri whispers again.

“It’s okay.” he soothes, careful not to tighten his grip even if all he wants to do is hold him tight. 

“I-I’m so-sorry.” 

“Nothing to be sorry about.” he chances a kiss to the top of his head.

Yuuri presses his forehead harder to his chest, but he doesn’t move any closer so Victor doesn’t try to pull him closer. 

“I’m here, I’m going to stay by your side and never leave.” he thinks enough time has passed to make the words soothing. 

Yuuri gives a full body shudder and leans just a bit closer. “Victor…”

“I love you so much my heart could burst, my star.” he murmurs softly.

Yuuri snickers after a moment, which quickly turns into full laughter as he pulls back, wiping tears from his eyes.

Victor huffs just a bit, “What joke did I miss?” 

“I-I’m sorry.” he stutters, though this time between laughs, “I just-I just thought, star...burst.” he bursts into laughter again. “Like the candy, and it just…” he shrugged a bit, pulling his glasses off and cleaning them off before putting them back on and looking up at him. “I love you too Victor.” he says softly.

He laughs a bit and pulls him into a hug. “And I love you, my starburst.” he teases. “Should I just call you that instead? Does it have the full meaning of how much I love you ingrained in it?” he jostles him a bit.

Yuuri snickers, pressing closer to him. “I dunno, maybe you can give it a try.”

“I will then.” he laughs, squeezing him tight before releasing him. “We should get off the floor though.”

Yuuri nods as he pulls away, pushing himself to his feet easily. “I’m sorry.”

“You have not-”

“About laughing at you.” he smiles at him. “When you were trying to be sweet.”

Victor huffs, “ _Trying_ to be sweet?” he turns away, sticking his nose in the air.

Yuuri laughs behind him, moving forward and hugging him. “You were being _very_ sweet Victor,” he amends, kissing his cheek before he pulls away again.

\-----

Victor worries about Yuuri, just in the normal way one worries about someone they care about, he tries to keep an eye out, keep him out of harm's way, stop him from practicing until his feet bleed, and so on. 

He’s surprised by, though he shouldn’t be in retrospect, Yuuri being worried about  _ him _ . 

He realizes it one day when Yuuri insists on checking any fanmail very closely. “Look Victor, I was on fan sites for you, I know how…” he pauses, trying to find the right word before just waving a hand dismissively. “People get. I remember any number of fairly threatening and alarming ideas people had and while I have no way of knowing how serious they were, all it takes is one.” he is fairly quick to set aside any letters after holding them up to a light and shaking them, packages he spends a lot longer on. “And I know you want to do fan letter videos and stuff, but I’m checking all of it first and that’s final. So can I just open these and check?” he gestures with vague annoyance to the pile of ‘unsure’ packages. “You can tell them the truth, you didn’t see a thing but I looked through them.” 

Victor stares at him for a long time. “You’re worried about me.”

Yuuri huffs a little, pulling off his glasses to clean them, “Yes Victor, to say it shorter, I’m worried for you.” he picks up a box, “So would you please let me do this?” 

Victor finds himself to speechless to protest, just nodding and leaving the room to leave him to it. He’d have to say a third party and not Yuuri though, someone might send something for the purposes of hurting him, and he can’t have that happening.

  
  


Fortunately, or unfortunately, there was soon far too much mail to try and keep up with, so mailtime with Victor was closed fairly quickly, before anything bad happened.

\-----

Out of everything Victor was ready for when he brought Yuuri to Russia, it certainly wasn’t  _ this _ . 

“Oh that’s not too expensive…” his fiance, looking at apartments online, said as he continued to peruse the site.

Did this wonderful, beloved, love of his life, the sun that brought light to his life, not understand? What had he done wrong? Did Yuuri _want_ to get away from him?

“Mmm too far away from here though.” he sighed, instantly and unknowingly dispelling that fear, screen glaring off his glasses.

What was it then? Why didn’t Yuuri seem to understand that he wanted him here? Was it too small? Was it too big? Was it too high? Was it too far from hot springs? Was the tub to small? What was the problem with his apartment?! He wanted nothing more than to go over and shake him and demand answers.

“Is the bed too small?” he asks instead, it hadn’t been an issue for him and Makkachin but maybe it was too small for Yuuri and he just didn’t want to tell him?

Yuuri blinks up from his laptop, glare vanishing at the new angle for a moment, “No?” he says, baffled, and turns back to his  _ house hunting. _

What has Victor done wrong? Has he offended him? Does he want somewhere he can go that Victor can’t? What is going on? 

He whines and dramatically flops onto the floor. Makkachin flops over him with a joyful bark, sending the air out of his lungs with a whoosh.

So instead he talks to Makkachin in Russian. “I just don’t get it Makkachin, I brought him here, I gave him the tour, I sleep with him, he’s my fiance, he doesn’t want me to move with him, why is he house hunting? It’s not for anyone in Japan none of them want to move here why is he doing this? Does he hate me now? What did I do wrong Makkachin?!” he whines, flopping his hands uselessly to the floor. “Is this place haunted and I don’t know it? Is it cursed? Is he allergic to it? Why?!” he demands louder.

Yuuri peers down at him. “Are you okay Victor?”

“Just fine.” he smiles up at him.

“Are you sure? Because you’re ranting a lot and I can catch like, one word every other sentence…” he trails off worriedly. “Did I do something?” he asks, eyes glazing over a bit as he starts replaying everything he’s done for some perceived fault.

His heart cracks in his chest, “Why are you _house hunting_ Yuuri?” he asks, trying not to pour all his pain and suffering into those two words.

Yuuri blinks at him, startled. “Because I can’t just stay _here_! That’s not fair to you! I mean it’s great you’re letting me stay here and all but I can’t just... _stay_ here.” he shakes his head. “Its _your_ home!”

He makes it sound like its the most obvious thing in the world, but Victor is still utterly confused. “What do you mean you can’t stay here? That that’s not fair to me? I _want_ you to stay here!” he’s sitting up now, staring at him in ever so slight, mounting, horror.

Yuuri just stares at him like he’s speaking another language. “Why would you want that Victor?”

“Why would I-” his eye twitches, “Because I love you Yuuri!” he repeats it in Russian and a very spotty and poor Japanese. “You told me to ‘stay by your side and never leave’! That goes both ways Yuuri!” he wants to tear his hair out in frustration.

Yuuri stares at him, eyebrows furrowed, like he’s trying to translate his words into Japanese as though they’ll make more sense if he manages that. Then his face goes white and his mouth opens in an ‘o’ shape as he closes the laptop. “You...want me to live with you…” he says slowly, eyes not entirely focused behind his glasses, like the pieces of a puzzle are starting to drop into place.

“Of course I want that Yuuri!” he tries not to sound as annoyed as he is, but he throws his arms up and flops back onto his back. “I thought I was being clear enough.” he adds to soften his frustrated words.

“I-I’m sorry, I’m sure you were perfectly clear.” he replied, still sounding shocked.

Victor hears the unspoken ‘for a normal person’ and frowns deeply, sitting back up and getting to his feet, pulling Yuuri to sit with him on the couch. “Hey.” he grabs his attention. “We’re both still learning, don’t beat yourself up starburst.” he rubs the back of his hand with his thumb. “Okay? Let me do this properly. Do you want to live with me?”

Yuuri’s eyes are still darting around a bit, he’s still processing that they were on entirely different pages, before he looks at him and nods slightly.

He frowns a bit, “Are you sure? I don’t want you to just feel compelled to…” 

He nods again, firmer this time. “I-I do, I just…” he trails off, shrugging a bit helplessly.

He sighs a little, “Okay then.” he leans forward and kisses him softly. They’ll have a more in depth talk about this later, given the completely different pages they’d been on. What if Yuuri didn’t want to live in Russia? He hadn’t actually ever asked him that, just assumed he’d be okay with it. But that was a talk for a day just a little in the future.

House hunting _with_ Yuuri wouldn't be that bad.

\-----

There are the days where Yuuri wakes up and just…isn't fully there. These are the days where there is nothing more he can do than be there, his silent and sturdy support, and silently pray that they don't both have a bad day on the same day. He fears the day where Yuuri’s apathy towards life overlaps with his own inability to care.

That hasn't happened yet, thankfully. So he can be there for his fiance when he looks up at him with that look of a wounded animal first thing in the morning and he knows that all Yuuri wants to do is ‘lay in bed and die’. 

Phichit had mentioned Yuuri had bad days, but had refused to divulge any more than he already had, because it was Yuuri’s choice to trust him when he was ready. Phichit seemed very sure they hadn't gone eight months without one of these days, and that Yuuri had simply pushed past them do his own detriment and resulted in one of the anxiety attacks he had seen several of, though again Phichit was quick to tell him he hadn't seen the worst yet, far from it. At the time Victor hadn't taken him seriously, worse than China? Worse than some of the others? He hadn't believed him, until it happened and he was poorly equipped to deal with it--to help Yuuri though it, so instead he'd called Phichit. He'd only seemed disappointed in him for a moment before his love for Yuuri had had him doing his best to help. He'd promised to not let him down like that again, and he was doing a good job of it if he said so himself. 

He learned not to doubt Phichit, esepcially when it came to Yuuri, and after that had started keeping an eye out for 'bad days' and slowly figured out the little signs. But he never confronted his fiance, instead he did little things, bringing him his favorite candy, bringing him some other little gift, goading Makkachin into going in and cuddling with him, whatever he thought would help until Yuuri was ready to open up to him. It took time but they'd gotten there and now Yuuri just gave him that look that told him everything he needed to know.

 

And then the days do collide. 

He takes one look at Yuuri and knows he feels lower than dirt.

But he can't find the energy to care enough to do anything about it. But he tries, oh he tries, he takes all the feelings of guilt he's ever had, knowing he should be feeling them right now, and tries to use the memory of them to force himself to action like he promised himself he would. 

Yuuri pushes him back onto the bed and rests his head on his chest. “Don't.” he states softly, “We're just gonna lay here until we  _ both  _ want to get up. Exceptions for bathroom and food and we can argue about who has to take Makkachin out later.” he can just see enough of his face to know his eyes are closed. “Unless you have a better idea. But don't pretend for me.”

Even now he can feel the vague surprise at the realization Yuuri knew about his own bad days despite his attempts to hide them, and knew well enough to see that today was such a day. Instead of voicing or trying to insist he's fine he just relaxes back onto the bed, wrapping his arms around him instead.

“If this makes it worse just say the word.” Yuuri adds into the silence, he can almost see the anxiety in his words after his previous ‘command’.

He shakes his head slightly. “That goes for you too.” he says instead, and grapples for the remote to put on some kind of background noise. 

It results in a couple of small fights until they land on both a show (“Victor I'm not watching any house building or hunting show.” “Yuuri I'm not watching any cooking show.”) and a volume (“It's too loud...still.” “I can't hear it any lower than this.” “Fine.”) they can both deal with, but neither of them try to pull away from each other, except for the minute Yuuri had huffed and leaned across the bed towards his glasses, straining trying not to move away, before he finally snagged them and put them on his face and flopped back against him.

They don't really get up for food, they get drinks and the occasional snack to bring back to bed. The bed gains pillows and blankets, and Victor is the one to ask if Yuuri would prefer the afternoon or the night walk. Yuuri is quick to take the night walk and he knows the reluctance was if Victor wanted the night walk, but he's kinda proud he was quick to stand for what he prefered anyway. Yuuri’s allowed to be selfish.

Makkachin joins them now and then, but leaves them be most of the day.

Yuuri heads out the door pretty late at night with Makkachin and doesn't come back for nearly an hour and a half, glasses fogging from the change in tempature in the doorway.

Victor isn't sure if he should be proud or worried that he wasn't worried, but he does know that Yuuri likes long walks with music in the dark of night sometimes.

All in all, it's a pretty good way to spend a supremely lousy day.

\-----

Life isn’t perfect, they have little fights, sometimes one of them storms out to clear their head, but they always come back and find some kind of middle ground. 

One thing that Victor noticed though, at first in anger but over time in more just curiosity, is what happened at the end of any one of these fights. Whether Yuuri was the one marching out the door or watching him march out the door, he always, _always_ threw out an ‘I love you’ before the door closed.

Once he starts looking for it, he finally notices that’s it’s not just a fighting thing, he always throws an ‘I love you’ before one of them leaves. 

“Yuuri.” he starts, one day, sitting on the couch under his fiance and his dog.

“Mm?” he responds, eyes closed with his head on his chest.

“Why do you always say ‘I love you’ when one of us leaves?” he asks, hand resting on his back.

Yuuri doesn’t answer for awhile, and Victor lets him work up to it on his own. 

“I remember when I was little, I watched cartoons, I read books, you know the usual.” he starts, tracing figures on Victor’s side where his hand rests. “I remember the first time I read something where someone left in anger and then died before meeting again, and their last words were hate filled towards someone they loved. And I remember thinking, ‘I never want my last words to be angry’ I never want my last words to you to be something from some stupid fight that got out of hand.”

Victor blinks and tugs him just a bit closer with the hand on his back. He doesn’t know why he wasn’t expecting something like that, but he wasn’t. 

Yuuri seems to take his silence as a sign he should keep talking. “It just stuck with me. I mean we never know when there might be an accident or something that we get caught up in, so I’d rather my last words to you be to tell you that I love you.” he trails off, uncertain.

“I wasn’t expecting that, though I should’ve.” Victor replies into the quiet. “Thank you. I would hate for my last memory of you to be like that too.” he tilts his head back. “I might have to steal your idea from you, starburst.” he adds softly. 

Yuuri nuzzles against his chest a bit. “I don’t mind.” he says just as soft.

  
  


And so it becomes their thing.

\-----

They avoid the topic for a long time, they both know it. It’s carefully danced around, neither making their stance known. It’s just a nebulous thing, an elephant in the room, they ignore it and ignore it and ignore it, as if that’ll solve the problem.

Yuuri’s the one to finally bring it up. 

He takes a deep breath across from him after they’re done with dinner. “Victor...we’ve avoided it long enough now.”

“A-avoided it?” he’s actually hoping they’re thinking of the same thing, and not some other thing he should’ve noticed.

He nods, determined, and takes a deep breath. “Do you want kids, Victor?” 

It’s finally there, spoken, out on the table, dinner sitting heavily in both of their stomachs. 

“Do _you_ want kids?” Victor shoots back, defensive.

Yuuri huffs out a breath, “You’ll go along with whatever I say.” he pushes his glasses up.

“I could say the same of you!” they both know they’ve shared the same fear, and that’s why they’ve never brought it up before.

“On three then?” Yuuri raises an eyebrow, they both knew it would come to this.

Victor nods. “One…”

“Two…”

“T-three.”

“I don’t want kids.” “I’ve never wanted kids.”

The room is silent as they stare at each other, before they realize they’ve voiced the same thought, and they both slouch in their chairs.

“Oh thank god.” Yuuri speaks first.

“Ditto.” Victor laughs a bit. “How does about 300 dogs sound instead?” he asks, eyes sparkling.

“You drive a hard bargain, but I suppose I’ll have to submit this time.” his eyes are sparkling too as he grins at him.

Victor got up and picked him up out of his chair and carried him out to the living room and sat on the couch with him in his lap and started peppering kisses all over his face as he laughed at the attention. “I’m so relieved we were on the same page!”

The next day they go to the pound, picking up a little blond puff of a dog. She sticks to Makkachin like glue and Makkachin doesn’t seem to mind.

\-----

Most days Victor wakes up, looks at Yuuri next to him, smiles and is ready to greet what will be a wonderful day with his fiance at his side. Most days he knows that no matter what Yuuri can always use a little pick me up about himself, and is more than happy to give him it. A compliment here, a smile there, a love-struck sigh, it all flows through him easily, so full of love for his man he’s so blessed to have in his life.

At least once a week he tries to pull Yuuri into some kind of adventure. Taking him out shopping to spoil him with expensive clothes is one such ‘adventure’ that happens now and then. 

“There’s better ways to spend your money!” he is quick to object.

“Spoiling you is the best way to spend my money!” 

“Spoil yourself!” 

“Spoiling you is spoiling myself!” he insists, grinning widely. “I love you so much, nothing could be more worth money than showing you that!” 

Yuuri is a bit reluctant but allows himself to be dragged into the store, not having much of an argument to that.

Of course, he does his best to hide the price of the clothes and knows Yuuri would be upset at him if he spent as much as he  _ wanted  _ to, so he generally keeps it to one outfit at a time. 

He really just wants Yuuri to see himself the way he does, wonderful, attractive, breathtaking, a million other words spring to mind. He just wants Yuuri to be comfortable in his own skin, always. There’s only so many ways to compliment him before it starts sounding fake, and he’d never want Yuuri to think for a second that he’s lying about how good he looks, so he can’t shower him in as many compliments as he wants to. Nor is he blind to how it only takes a few outfits for Yuuri to start getting more and more uncomfortable with the whole process. 

So clothes shopping comes to a quick end when he prods Yuuri about which outfits he liked or disliked, and buying Yuuri’s favorite, or his own between two if Yuuri can’t decide, but he keeps it to only one. For Yuuri’s peace of mind.

(He remembers one day he’d purposefully picked out something that would look horrible on himself, changed into it to show Yuuri just how good it looked on him compared to himself, only for Yuuri to insist it still looked amazing on him. And he could hardly talk himself down without Yuuri becoming a compliment master and making him blush bright red.)

It takes him awhile for it to occur to him to just...compliment him whenever he looks good, just when they’re out and about, not for any special reasons. Yuuri always looks so startled, but happy, when he does so, which just makes him smile wider and compliment him more and more and he manages to make Yuuri smile and look down at what he’s wearing. 

He notices him wearing outfits from such times over again. It always sends a little thrill of pleasure down his spine, the idea that Yuuri might think he looks good too, just in everyday clothes. The idea he might’ve helped him feel better, he takes it as a good sign.

On one such shopping day, he remembers suddenly, that sometimes he really needs to just _ask_ Yuuri what would be the most helpful. He nearly blurts it out in the middle of the store to the subtly stressed Yuuri, but he holds it back, quickly finishes, and drags him out to ice cream nearby. 

He likes the quiet moments like this, standing on a bridge, looking out over a river as they eat ice cream in silence, both of them not so subtly watching each other out of the corner of their eyes.

“You’re beautiful.” Yuuri speaks the thought Victor had been thinking and he blinks at him, and then laughs.

“You stole my line!” he pokes him in the side.

Yuuri dances away from his elbow, “I’m serious!”

“So am I!” he pouts just a bit, “I was just thinking of telling you how beautiful you are!” he returns to his ice cream before it melts over his hand. “You’re always beautiful.” he adds, softer, not looking at him, instead looking out at the sparkling water.

“I’m not.” he mutters softly. 

“You are.” he insists, turning to look at him. Yuuri is staring down at his feet, forgotten ice cream melting in his hand. His heart lurches in his chest, he’s selfish for dragging him out and making him try on clothes, knowing it makes him feel bad. “It’s my goal to make you see it, okay?” he adds, reaching out and pulling him into a hug.

This at least, drags a laugh from him. “Good luck with that.”

“Why thank you my love, for the luck.” he kisses the top of his head. “I was going to ask earlier-what can I do to make this easier for you?” he asks the question that’s been burning in his mind.

Yuuri looks up at him, startled by the question. “Huh?”

He purses his lips, trying to think of the best way to word it. “Trying on clothes, it’s not just the fancy places that make you uncomfortable and I don’t know how to help.” He’s stopped looking at it as a failure to not know how to help his fiance, and has gotten better at just owning up to not knowing what to do.

Yuuri tilts his head back down, hugging him back with his free arm.

Victor hums a random tune that was in his head, waiting patiently for the answer.

“It’s stupid.” 

It’s muttered against his chest and he barely makes out the words. “Even if it is, I’ll gladly do whatever I can.”

Yuuri’s next words are too quiet to hear, he can barely feel the vibration against his chest. 

“Yuuri…” 

He whines as he pulls back, cheeks bright red. “It-it might be better if you go in w-with me and block the mirror.” he quickly hides his face again.

Victor hums, “That doesn’t sound bad at all, we’ll try it out next time okay?” he lets Yuuri be, returning to what remains of his ice cream while he waits for him to compose himself.

It isn’t long before Yuuri starts playing with the hem of his shirt, so he looks around, wondering what they should do next. He’d had an idea but...it might not be the best idea to do that today, he’d simply have to put it off.

He notices a familiar store and smiles slightly, “I know where we’re going next.” he says, playfully.

Yuuri peeks up at him, curious.

“First of all, let’s get cleaned up, all this melted ice cream is gonna make us all sticky.” he makes a face and Yuuri laughs, allowing Victor to drag him back into the ice cream store that thankfully had a bathroom.

His next pick is a pretty safe pick, as Yuuri has been complaining about things getting a bit thin. So he drags him into the sports store and over to the workout clothes. “No need to try anything on.” he adds with a grin.

Yuuri shoots him a small smile as he goes about hunting for something that will undoubtedly be similar to what he already has, Yuuri can be a creature of habit when it comes to skating.

“Hey look,” Yuuri calls, and he turns to see him showing him a pair of bright blue shorts, “I think they fit you.” he hums in pretend thought at the tiny shorts.

Victor feels himself blush a bit and he laughs, “Only if I can get you a pair too.”

What follows is a bit of play fighting and making deals, and a lot of ‘okay no, I draw the line at those.’ ‘But Yuuri they-’ ‘They’re bright _green_ Victor.’ so it’s really just a lot of fun, and Yuuri relaxes quite a bit.

And Yuuri’s little gasp of delight when he tries on a pair just to show him warms him brightly, he’s far from immune to Yuuri’s compliments, but something about that little gasp Yuuri does when he thinks Victor looks exceptionally good goes right to his heart.

So once they’re heading out he wonders if he can follow with what had been his plan all along, to give into an urge he’s had for awhile. Before he can even think of dragging Yuuri over though… “Hey, so this next one, you pick for me, okay?” 

Yuuri blinks at him, confusion plain on his face, but he nods.

Victor is nervous, he could just come alone but he feels better with Yuuri there and he’s not a man that backs down from what he wants and damn it he wants this and he’s right here so he’s doing it. He hopes his nerves don’t show as he drags Yuuri into a dress store.

Yuuri looks around, definitely surprised, peeking at him and his nerves must be noticeable because he quickly physically shakes off the oddity of all this, blushing lightly as he started looking around.

Victor swallows a few times as he follows, trying to be close enough to watch but not close enough to pressure him more than he must already be. He really should’ve just came alone, he’s sure Yuuri’s anxiety probably isn’t helping him right now and if his own nerves are showing he’s probably just making it worse why did he ever think this was a good idea?

It doesn’t take long for Yuuri to take a shine to a dress, running his hand thoughtfully over it for a short time before he starts looking at the sizes. Victor looks over the dress as he does so. It’s a bright pink, with a lot of sparkles that reminded him, and probably Yuuri, of skating costumes, floor length and with a bit of a train it looked like.

“I like this one.” Yuuri holds it out to him, face just a bit red.

Victor grabbed it with light fingers, smiling at him and forcing all his nerves down. “Pick out another!” he encourags before slipping back to the changing rooms. Once in the safety of a closed off room he sighed deeply, letting the tension out of his shoulders. _C’mon idiot, you’re Victor Nikiforov and if you wanna wear a dress you will, you don’t care about what anyone but Yuuri thinks and he’s only a little baffled at the suddenness of this. Nothing to worry about. You’re gonna put on that dress and you’re gonna look great and Yuuri will do that little gasp you love and everything will be great. There is no other option. It’s just clothes, nothing to be worried about._ Of course he wasn’t exactly expecting Yuuri to go straight for the bright pink, but he did know he looked good in ‘light red’ as Yakov always insisted. Nothing to worry about, no need to overthink and get worried like Yuuri, one of them doing that was quite enough.

More at ease with the current situation, he finally stripped and pulled on the dress, tugging at it until it sat right, and poking his head out. “Yuuri?”

He heard a small noise and then footsteps. “Coming!” he saw Yuuri round the corner quickly, something in much darker colors over his arm.

There was a very sudden rush of nerves at the sight of his fiance, which was the opposite of what he was expecting, but he nonetheless shoved it away and stepped out.

Yuuri gave a little gasp, hands coming together in a single clap. “You look like an angel!”

Victor blushed, deeply pleased by his reaction, before he gave him a little spin. It wasn’t exactly a swooshy dress so it didn’t do anything super cool but Yuuri smiled all the same.

“It’d be great to see you skate in that…” 

Victor blinked, not having expected something like that, tugging at it a bit. “Oh? You think so?”

Yuuri peered at him for a moment, a shine to his eyes that warned of mischief, before he quickly went over and tugged the skirt up enough to slip underneath between his legs. “It can even fit someone under it!”

Victor couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him, “Yuuri!” he was torn between admonishment and joy. He felt him hug his leg for a moment, and then the gentle brush of his lips against his inner thigh, before Yuuri was once again standing before him, grinning at him.

He bit back most of the laugh he wanted to let out, grinning and blushing. Yuuri sure knew how to blow his nerves right out of him. Instead he leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss, grabbing the second dress from him and quickly ducking back into the changing room.

He had a feeling he would be leaving with both dresses, judging by how much he liked the look of the second one. It was much shorter, and black and silver in a way that reminded him of his old costume that had become Yuuri’s eros costume. It didn’t have any of the delicate mesh or the gems, but something about the silver and grey highlights reminded him of it nonetheless. 

He quickly changed, knowing Yuuri was waiting for him to come out. He gave himself a minute to take several deep breaths to stop blushing, before finally exiting again.

Yuuri didn’t give him the little gasp he so loved, but something in his expression more than made up for it. He smiled at him, “I love it.”

He nodded in agreement, spinning again, enjoying it a lot more in this dress.

Yuuri clapped a little. “The reviews are pouring in on Russian ice skater Victor’s dress! 11/10 would agree, Yuuri Katsuki is a lucky man.” he said in an announcer voice.

Victor laughed, feeling like his heart was expanding in his chest, “You’re a huge dork.” he kissed him again anyway, spinning one more time before he went to change back.

  
  


They did of course, leave with both dresses, a happy Victor, and a Yuuri that just accepted it and didn’t pressure him about it.

\-----

Victor only really notices Yuuri’s hair is long when he starts to toy with it. Twirling it around his finger sometimes slowly, absent minded, sometimes fast and frantic as his thoughts.

He isn’t sure if he should bring it up or not, but eventually he does. “So why are you growing your hair out?”

Yuuri looks up from the book he’s reading, startled, “Huh?”

“Your hair?” he gestured. “It’s getting long.”

He pulls a strand out in front of his face, judging, then runs his hands through his hair and his mouth forms a silent ‘o’ of realization. 

He can’t help but laugh a bit, “So you just forgot?”

“Yeah.” he laughs with him, “I kinda like it though…” he pulls out his phone to look at his reflection.

“I like it too, if I’m honest.” Victor hums softly. “You can always cut it when you don’t like it anymore.”

He nods in agreement, and lets it keep growing out, occasionally getting it trimmed and styled. 

\-----

Unfortunately not all bad days that sync up are as easy as the first. As a matter of fact, the next time it happens Victor walks in the door, takes one look at Yuuri and knows, instantly knows Yuuri’s having a bad day. A rush of sympathy for him rises and then vanishes just as fast, and Yuuri looks over at him with that face, soft and vunerable and sad, silently asking for comfort, glasses resting on the arm of the couch.

He feels a rise of anger that thankfully vanishes just as quick and he snaps his mouth shut from where he’d been about to burst out with some thoughtless comment about not being able to deal with him. Instead he closes his eyes and counts to ten, when he opens them Yuuri looks worried and puzzled at the same time, glasses shoved onto his face now. “I’m sorry.” he says neutrally, unable to put much emotion into it. “I can’t help you  _ today _ .” it’s hard to force the words out, put the emphasis on the right word so he doesn’t make his anxiety any worse than he has to. His hand is still on the door handle and he knows it’s best to leave before his shortened temper makes him say something he’ll regret. “I love you, I have my phone.” he turns back around and leaves, pausing to lean on the closed door and let out a breath. 

He can’t skate his worries away like this, he’ll hurt himself. So what _can_ he do?

His phone goes off in his pocket and he digs it out, surprised to find out he’s been standing here for ten minutes. He opens the text from Yuuri. ‘If you want to be alone in the house I can go skate. You probably want to relax.’

Victor only debates for a short time before he opens the door again, Makkachin and the puppy, Flora, rushing to greet him this time. They must’ve been asleep on the couch with Yuuri last time. He moves through the house quietly and finds Yuuri getting dressed in their room. He feels like he should apologise but can’t manage to find the will.

Yuuri, taking note of him, sends him a small smile, but doesn’t say anything either.

It’s silent as Yuuri moves around, grabbing things and double checking. The silence isn’t as awkward as the situation would warrant. 

Yuuri doesn’t open his mouth until he moves towards the door. “I love you. I’ll give you warning before I come back.”

He finally manages to find his voice. “I’m sorry. I love you too.”

“Nothing to apologise for. Bad days are bad days.” he seems like he’s going to continue, before he closes his mouth and shrugs slightly, finally heading out the door.

There’s a stirring in his gut that makes him nauseous, feeling like he needs to rush after him and beg him to come back. It’s foolish, they haven’t even had a fight. Yuuri’s just going skating so Victor can relax with their dogs and maybe a nice long bath. Neither of them is mad at the other. 

Bad days are bad days.

Unfortunately, it takes a series of bad days in a row before it finally blows over and life returns to a much more happy and blissful coupledom. 

After all, they suffer through the bad days, together or apart, for the good days that follow.

\-----

Victor loved to surprise people, but he prefered to do it on purpose, not be as surprised as them when they found something out. He lived to surprise Yuuri especially, loving the cute blush he got when Victor did something sweet for him.

He was not at all ready for when Yuuri found... _ them _ . 

Them being his poster collection. Of Yuuri.

And all his keychains. And all the other merch he had.

Of his fiance. 

He was sure his face matched his fiance’s shocked expression as he just kept pulling more and more and more out of a big plastic bin.

“Y-Yuuri!” he finally finds his voice, and Yuuri’s head snaps up, seeing him standing in the doorway.

“V-Victor! When did you-why do you-wha…” he doesn’t manage to finish a sentence as he gestures around at all the stuff around him.

His face is on fire, “W-well I am your biggest fan!” he shouts, defensive.

“I didn’t even know most of this existed.” he breathes, returning his gaze to the items.

“Minami is a great resource, as is Phichit.” it slips from his mouth before he realizes he’s even thought it and Yuuri is staring at him again.

“Phichit…” he buries his face in his hands, shoving his glasses up to his forehead. “I _knew_ he was hinting at something!” 

“Are you...er...mad?” Victor isn’t sure how to proceed. What’s the protocol for your fiance finding all your merch of him? 

“Well I’d be a hypocrite if I got mad at you. Stunned? Yes. Shocked? Sure thing. Embarrassed? Oh you have no idea. But I can hardly be mad when you’ve collected so much so fast and taken good care of it.” he looks less shocked and horrified and more awed now. “I wish I’d been able to get my hands on this much of you.” the horrified look returns as he realizes what he just said.

Victor grins instead. “How about I help you track more down?” he offers.

“ Hmmm, I already have the  _ best  _ thing I could though, I’m not sure I need  _ more _ .” he says it so softly, while gazing at him that he feels himself blushing.

“L-let me know if you change your mind.” he backs out of the room, hiding his red face.

How did _he_ come out the more flustered in that situation?

\-----

Victor had decided to wear the dress that reminded him of Eros.

He was a bit nervous about actually wearing it out of the house, but he wanted to wear it and they were going out today and he was just going to do it so he could get used to it.

Yuuri only gave him one worried glance on their way out, but didn’t comment on it, just went on like a normal day, which, of course, was all it was. Just a new outfit.

  
  


It was late, the stars were shining, reflecting off the water below the bridge they were crossing, and Victor was just struck by how beautiful Yuuri was, and how much he loved him. “I love you, you know?”

“Only if you know I love you.” he replied playfully.

Victor giggled and spun, dress twirling. “I'm the luckiest guy in the world!”

Yuuri blushed, “Most beautiful one too.” he was quick to reply.

Victor went bright red and buried his face. “You're gonna kill me Yuuri!” He whined in distress. He got compliments from strangers all the time, but any compliment from Yuuri cut to his heart like cupid's arrow.

Yuuri pulled him into a quick kiss before taking his hand.

He smiled, swinging their arms as they went, and Yuuri couldn't help but think how lucky he was to be holding hands with this man. Victor saw his cute, happy, satisfied smile, and just smiled brightly.

“I'm blessed to have you, you know, Victor.”

Victor went bright red “I think I'm the one that's blessed Yuuri.” he shook his head.

He hummed “Maybe we're both blessed.” he offered as a compromise.

“I'm not sure about that, I mean there's nothing special really.” He blinked wait did he say that out loud?

Yuuri pulled him to a stop with a frown, “What do you mean by that?”

Victor shook his head quickly, “Nothing, nothing, I didn’t say anything.”

He got a blank stare back. “You’re very special Victor.”

Victor smiled widely at him “I know! Five time gold medalist! Rich! Engaged to you, the best and most understanding of fiances!” he waved a hand at the dress a bit.

“You’re also a caring animal lover, who always tries to help make people better than they are. You want to make everyone happy even if it means neglecting yourself, and love to spend your money on people.” he smiled softly at him.

Victor laughed a bit, lump in his throat. “Don't be silly Yuuri! I left Yakov and went halfway across the world and forgot my promise to Yurio!” he shook his head, “You’re wrong about at least half of that.”

Yuuri frowned deeply, “You were selfish once in your life. Did something you wanted after you'd won him multiple medals and put your life aside. You also kept your promise to Yurio whether either of you realise it. Using Agape, a program you made for him, he broke one of your own records at 15. So don't start with that.”

He couldn't stop a laugh from bursting out of him. “Yurio will never admit that. Don't fool yourself Yuuri, I've always been selfish. I pushed for skating even though it was expensive, I never listened to Yakov like I should've, I expected you to remember a night that given how much you drunk when I should've known better, and then got upset when you didn't!”

Yuuri pulled him into a hug, kissing his head. “You also didn’t leave when I didn’t react the way you were expecting me to. You could’ve just left, showed up in my life, realized I wasn’t who you wanted, and left. Instead you stayed, and fell in love with the rest of me. We only see the negative in ourselves. If you look through another point of view you'd see all great things and everything I love about you.”

Victor blushed slightly, returning the hug. “Yuuri…” His throat was still closed up.

Yuuri started kissing him all over. “So it's fine if you don't see your perfection but please remember you're insulting my favorite person when you talk down to yourself, okay?”

Victor started sniffling. “Yuuri…” He objected weakly

Yuuri rubbed his back. “It's okay Victor. Let it out.”

“No-i I don't have anything to be upset about.” he objected, shaking his head.

Yuuri smiled, “Than cry happy tears or confused. It's okay to cry. I cry a lot.” 

“I'm sure confused.” He laughed slightly, just clinging to him.

Yuuri quickly wrapped his arms around his waist, picking up and spinning Victor around in a circle. “I love you Victor. You’re a wonderful person even if you don’t think so.”

Victor blushed slightly but laughed happily, pressing his forehead to his, eyes wet. “I love you too Yuuri, and so are you. The whole ‘insulting my favorite person’ goes for you too you know.”

Yuuri smiled slightly, eyes watering. “We’re quite a pair aren’t we?”

“ I think we make a good pair.” 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This whole thing is very near and dear to my heart. I've been nervous over it for the past month so tell me what you think :)


End file.
